I do what it takes
to heal and recover from major depressive disorder and fibromyalgia
Hi! I'm Sue
When people ask me what I do I reply...
"I do what it takes."
I used to identify myself as a project manager, an active member of society, but now I am neither.
I have been diagnosed with (major and severe) depressive disorder twice in my life; first time was when I was ending a marriage of 24 years, and second time, more recently in 2021, was from the stresses from work and overworking during and after COVID lockdown, and more recently in 2024 I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia as well.
I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, all of which I need to balance while healing and recovering from these debilitating conditions. For far too long mental health has had a stigma, so I felt compelled to share my story and journey as I am sure I am not alone! Together, we can break the stigma because mental health matters❤️
Please read the rest of my story below, my blog posts and subscribe to my newsletter, as I take you through my journey of how I became to be severely depressed, the process I went through to get diagnosed, and how I cope on a daily basis with my roller coaster journey of life living with such debilitating conditions that not many people understand.
My Career
I'd just relaunched my career into project management, so the sky was my horizon; life was great in 2014 and my future was promising. Yes, my marriage was over, but I had pulled myself together, gone through counselling with a psychologist for major depressive disorder, as diagnosed by my GP, and was weening myself off my medication. I felt great about life and myself.
2019 and the COVID pandemic hit the world, but I was still doing great, my career in project management was at its best ever, I had relocated to the coast and was on contract to run specific projects for a company while working on getting a new company up and running for new projects. Life couldn't be better. Yes, I was working a few long hours, but the work was enjoyable, the pay was great, I was doing business trips to Joburg, so seeing my eldest sister more often, and being recognized for a job well done. It was good to be in management.
March 2020, South Africa went into COVID lockdown. I had taken a week of leave to move house and thankfully had changed the actual move to the Monday, the day the lockdown was announced, but this wasn't all bad, was it? I'd have 6 weeks to be at home to get sorted out so I cancelled the rest of my leave and went back to work as I had only 3 days to prepare for everyone at my branch to work from home. This included trying to sort out my own WiFi signal in this short time.
Working from home instantly separated the doers from the spectators, and I'm a doer (sadly this became the whip for my own back). So, I took on more work from the spectators to get the job done. Now the few long hours averaged 12 to 14 hours a day. The new company and its projects started in August 2021, and the hours extended to 14 to 16 hours a day and most weekends. The work was still enjoyable and after all, it needed to be done. People and bills need to be paid; projects need to be managed.
It was great being a doer and being recognized as the go-to person, except the projects for the new company's client were not running on track and I was being pulled in to get problems resolved, putting my own work behind. By now I was working 16-hour days and all weekend. See the pattern emerging here?
Out of Balance
By now, my family were all worried about me overworking myself, I was assuring them AND ME that I was fine, and it would get better. It had to get better, surely it couldn't get worse? I was starting to get migraine auras affecting my vision. And I was just always so tired but couldn't sleep, my brain didn't want to shut down, there was too much to think about and to do.
I had recognized that my life was a bit (read A LOT) out of balance (as I was so often reminded by my son), so I joined an online dating site in hopes of finding a bit of romance and trying to make time for myself.
I found my dream man, partner for life, but this made juggling work commitments harder, as I wanted to spend time with him and socialize, but as always, I was at my laptop "just finishing something" so "I'll join you shortly", and of course it was always hours before I actually did get to join in the festivities. And there was always still more and more work to be done. Believe me, it was not for lack of planning on my part.
The Big Bang
Then the inevitable happened and I had a really severe migraine, but this time, it took me a week to recover from it, with my new love and my son having to wake me to make sure that I ate, went to the bathroom, took what few meds the doctor gave me (the meds didn't help though) and basically nurse me back to life.
I felt like a zombie that had just been hit by a freight train, and as my GP couldn't find anything wrong with me, I was hospitalized and had dozens of tests done. Apart from the specialists discovering I had a 1 and 1/2 cm gall stone, there was nothing medically wrong with me!
I'll tell you more about the gall stone episode and other symptoms in another post but let's get back to why I was feeling like a zombie.
This was back in August 2021 when my GP, I think out of desperation, possibly thinking that I was imagining all my symptoms and it was all in my head, referred me to a psychiatrist.
I was still working at this point, but battling as my concentration was so poor and I couldn't keep focus for long, my migraines were frequent and severe, and the stresses of work were worse than ever.
Diagnosis and Treatment
I had my first consultation with the psychiatrist on 1 November 2021, only to be diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and immediately booked off work for 3 months, which then extended to a further 3 months, after which I was terminated by my company for incapacity.
During this time most people have the luxury of their HR department handling their case, be it sick leave or a disability claim and what to expect; unfortunately, in my case I was it. So not only did I have the stress of being diagnosed with a severe mental illness, I also had to do all my own paperwork to submit to the pension fund for my disability claim (yes, thankfully I was lucky enough to have some fallback, I'll share a post about my experiences of all the financial aspects of disability; the good, the bad and the ugly).
So having stopped work in 2021 and been on disability since then, I am still in recovery and have been working with an occupational therapist since March 2023 to try and prepare me for integration back into society as an active working person, and I only see the psychiatrist every 6 months. So, while it's already been a long journey, I still have a way to go, but I'm heading the right way, as I heal and recover from severe depressive disorder.
Being Disabled can be Enabling
When I first joined the ranks of the "disabled" (what? ME? disabled? Yep, it's still hard to grasp) and started researching online for ways I could manage my condition, I was shocked that I couldn't find much. Well, I mean useful, positive information.
There seem to be plenty of people with physical and debilitating ailments, mostly lupus, sharing their stories but not really anyone with mental illness, least of all depression.
I'm not sure if there is a perception that it may be self-inflicted and so not relevant to share, or that there are just not many people out there like me. Hey, maybe I am one-of-a-kind after all!
Sadly, I doubt that so I would like to share my story through my posts and articles in the hope I can help at least help one person prevent themselves from becoming severely depressed or help them back onto the road of recovery to heal. And break the stigma around mental illness because mental health matters ❤️
